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Poetry by Argentum-Lupae-Luna

Critiqued Literature by TheFS

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Submitted on
November 6, 2012
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1.3 KB


18 (who?)
Word has it
That you're getting married
With one on the way
That our past you have buried

They say you always smile
That these past years have been kind
You never show sadness
The past wont ever cross your mind

You'll finally get that family
We once dreamed of and always wanted
But I bet this isn't the future that you dreamed of
That your conscious is still haunted

I remember how you smile
When you're keeping a facade
I bet at night you cry
And start swearing to your God

I remember when you're angry
It never shows up on your face
That you bury it inside
And keep that smile in its place

How can this not be what you wanted
If this is the reason that you left me
Fearing what our future would be
Since I couldn't birth a baby

Are you guilty being with him
Because I couldn't accomplish that dream
Do you see me when you kiss him
Does it make you want to scream

Word has it
That you're living "happily ever after"
But you're life is a disaster
Tell this really what you're after
I wanted to try something different
I havent had many i thought this..would be...interesting to try.
Hope its not hard to understand.
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MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of

Firstly, I agree with many of the points made by my fellow critic, Ed, of #GrammarNaziCritiques so I will try not to repeat what he has said, but many areas do need a bit more repetition.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

As Ed mentioned, your rhymes seem forced. Now I know this is an issue I have gone over with you in the past. You need to try and train your brain to think grammatically correct, but still in rhyme. And if the rhyme doesn't fit with the grammar, rather alter the previous line so that it still has the same meaning but the rhymes fit better.

I have also mentioned punctuation before, so I won't again.

One thing I didn't mention before, which Ed brought up, is meter. The amount of syllables per line. In some cases it seems as if you have left out words to make the syllable count work out. Sometimes this actually works in poetry, but most times it doesn't. I would take another look at this entire piece and try rework the rhyme and meter so that it's easier to read aloud.

ST 1
Do you mean to say that the woman is pregnant and that is why she is getting married, or do you mean to say that she is married and expecting a baby now? Because that would change your second line from 'that you're getting married' to 'that you are now married'.

ST 2
'wont' needs the apostrophe or else you have changed the meaning of the word.

ST 4
Here is where you tenses start getting muddled. How you'd smile instead of 'how you smile'

ST 6
I agree here that 'birth a baby' is not the correct phrase to use.

I also agree with Ed that the rhyme scheme changes too much, especially within the latter half of the piece.

You have a good concept here, but it needs some fixing. I would love to see what you could do and where you could go if you rhymed grammatically and with proper meter.

TheFS Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hey there, my name’s Ed. I’ll be giving you some detailed feedback thanks to #GrammarNaziCritiques!

The idea is great. I really like it, and I don’t even mind that you don’t have a particularly creative or poetic style of writing. You state everything like it is, and go for a direct meaning rather than an abstract idea that needs a bit of deciphering.

That said, the biggest point I have are the rhymes. They are very forced to the point that it seems like you’ve had to edit your thoughts to fit the rhyme. Reading through it, the last lines in every stanza don’t really add much to the poem at all (except a couple).

There are a few issues with the meter and the rhythm of the piece. Do you ever read your poems out loud to yourself? If you don’t I suggest you do. It’s hard to get the stresses/unstresses right. In fact, the hardest part of a poem with rhythm is adding enough information to let someone else who has never read your poem to read it with the same beat and stresses.

They say you always smile
That these past years have been kind
You never show sadness
The past wont ever cross your mind

(Good alliteration with ‘s’ and the opposing end to L1 and 3. The sentiment of the stanza isn’t very complex, and that means it isn’t very interesting. (I’m assuming the voice of the poem is a man and the person he is talking about is his ex-wife) You say she smiles, because she doesn’t think about the past. This is only true in public. What if he questions her private time? Does she think about the past when she’s alone?)

-The repetition of ‘dreamed of’ doesn’t work in the third stanza. It doesn’t sound like it was meant to be there, and so feels like a mistake.

-What happens to the rhyme in the fourth stanza? This stanza also adds nothing new. It sort of repeats what you talk about in stanza three.

-There’s some issues with tense in the fifth stanza:
‘remember’ – past
‘you’re’ (you are) – present
‘shows’ – present etc

I remember most your anger
Veiled by pride upon your face
You would bury hate inside
And fix fake smiles across their place

It’s interesting though that you don’t use punctuation. What was the purpose? It means you don’t have question marks in the seventh stanza. What does that do to the questions? Does it make them rhetorical? Does it mean the narrator never expects an answer?

-Too many rhymes in the 6th. ‘me’, ‘be’, ‘baby’. It sticks out too much. This is true with the next stanzas. If the rhyme scheme is ‘abcb’ then you need to stick to it. Not change to ‘abab’ or ‘abbb’.
-Stanza six, though, is my favourite. Since it tells the most about the situation.

I am a bit confused about the genders of the poem.
The narrator couldn’t ‘birth a baby’, so it would suggest a female voice. If it was just ‘give you a baby’ – it could be unisex, because either party could be to blame.
But then, ‘do you see me when you kiss him’ – seems to imply that the voice is male, and he is asking if his ex-wife seems him (the voice) in her next man (the him).

-Nice looping with the title.
It is a good end, and sums everything up nicely. Like I said, you don’t have any poetical language really in this poem, but you state everything clearly. It’s just a shame there’s a stray rhyme between ‘after’ and ‘disaster’ that ruins the poignancy of the ending.

I’m not too clear on the narrative of the poem, actually. Partly because I’m confused about gender. You say some partner left because they couldn’t have a child. This person who left is now getting married, but is unhappy? All because this person who left is guilty for leaving the other? How is their life a disaster? Is this just an assumption?

It might be worth making this clearer. If I was going to edit this poem, I would make a clear distinction between…
Before – happy, laughter, but no child
After – unhappy, sad, but with a family
So there’s a conflict seen through the eyes of the past lover, who just wants to know if she/he is happy in his/her new life.

Let me know if you have any questions about anything I’ve mentioned =D
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
First of all..thanks :)
I know it has a lot of mistakes like those.
and..I know it isnt very clear as to the gender of the narrator.
I guess "birth a baby" wasnt the right...choice of words.
And I also know that my rhymes seem forced.
Though..Im just so used to that manner..that it is the natural way of thinking for me..
The questions..aren't meant to be answered. The narrator already lost the lover..but he asks himself..knowing there is no way of getting the answers.However.,.as to actually adding question marks..I'm just so used to never adding any form of punctuation in poems..I try and forget that habit..on some newer pieces.
thank u very much for reviewing this piece.
Its clear to me..I still need a lot of improvements.
thanks :)

ps. If i still havent made it clear..the narrator is a
TheLionAndTheFish Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
This may sound a bit exaggerated, but you almost made me cry. The last 2 lines of the 6th stanza... It's so sad! Let's say, it reminds me of my own parents. They thought they couldn't birth babies because it took so damn long; they had to wait (and 'try'?) 7 years before I was born. Then, 5 years later, they were blessed with another child, my brother. Sorry for getting a bit sentimental here haha, let's say you touched me with this poem! And no, not hard to understand at all.
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahh man... >_>
I dont know what to say
First of all..Im glad...that u like it.
And Im sorry...
Thats a really sad story..
this..isnt something based on my life.
And Im kinda...having mixed emotions with ur reply..
Im glad my poetry..can couch an emotional lvl...but at the same torn..about..ur parents...having to go through this...
u being..the child..that could of never been born..
Im kinda sad now xD
TheLionAndTheFish Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012
Oh lordie I'm sorry I made you sad, that wasn't my intention! Your poem really moved me, but in a good way! It is a sad story, yes, but in the end, my brother and I were born after all:)
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank u for sharing ur story with me
Actually..I wasnt even meant to be born
my mom had a condition....and..what not.
but anyway
here I am ;P
Thank u..
Im really glad u like the poem.
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Student Writer
It's not hard at all =)
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome =)
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