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Literature by avgreen


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September 3, 2012
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There's nothing like the first love
And those early signs of bliss
Where heartache's still unheard of
And all you lust for is a kiss

When we're still so innocent and pure
Think with love, this world, we cure
But we're just so immature
Gave our hearts away without really being sure

There is nothing like the first love
No one could ever take their place
We may come across pure beauty
Only to find perfection in their face

Glistening,ever-changing eyes
And the thickness of their lips
Combine to form a perfect smile
Leave our hair standing on its tips

Nothing like the first love
Even if one day we grow apart
We will always keep the memories
And a special place for them inside our hearts
New poem
different from my usual stuff..
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
#GrammarNaziCritiques here. It’s me again, Ed.

I wouldn’t say there’s anything too original in this poem. It’s very standard; it’s talking about love. That said, you do tend to keep to concrete images rather than abstract and that’s good. It means the piece is grounded in things that we can visualize and even relate to. Be careful of platitude though.

There aren’t many interesting techniques at work here, there’s no enjambment, alliteration or assonance (that I can see) for example. You write what you mean. It means there’s nothing particularly ‘poetic’ in terms of language. Part of me thinks that’s fine, since you’re talking about love in a straight forward way, part of me thinks that there should be a little more creativity in the writing.

Stanza One
-There’s nothing really extraordinary about this one; it sets a general tone for the poem. Could be more creative with language.

Stanza Two
-Biggest issue: aaaa rhyme scheme. It’s so distracting that none of the other stanzas do this. You’re not doing it for any sort of dramatic effect, as far as I can tell, so it feels like a mistake.
-“Think with love, this word, we cure”
I agree that this feels forced to make the rhyme, though it is creative. Unfortunately, it’s not quite grammatically correct. I think it should be the sentiment of:
‘We think, with love, this world, we’ll cure’
But in order to make that make sense, you need the commas. It’s then strange that you don’t have any other punctuation in the rest of the poem (as far as line endings go). Why do you do that? Because love is surrounding and can’t be contained by periods? Why use any punctuation at all, then?
-The last line gobbles on a bit, all for the sake of the rhyme. The ‘without really being’ is only there to set up the rhyme and it’s so inelegant. Remember that every word in a poem is important, and should add something special to the meaning and understanding of the piece.

Stanza Three
-You change the first line by removing the contraction. It puts an emphasis on the ‘is’ like you’re trying to admit to yourself that it’s true. ‘No, there is nothing like it.’
-Because you say ‘the first love’ it generalizes it. Can you see there is a slight difference between ‘a first love’ and ‘the first love’? ‘A’ is specific.
Because of this lack of specificity, you can’t say ‘their’ in the next line, because that is specific.
I think the issue lies with the fact ‘the first love’ talks about it generally, and ‘a first love’ refers to the person that you will fall in love with for the first time. Then, ‘their’ could be taken as a group, not just a single person. So there’s a conflict of plurality. As it is, you’d need to add an ‘s’ to ‘place’.
For ease, you either need to change ‘the’ to ‘a’ or change ‘their’ to ‘its’ so it reads:

There is nothing like the first love
No one could ever take their places

There is nothing like the first love
No one could ever take its place

There is nothing like a first love
No one could ever take their place


Stanza Four
-Need a space between ‘glistening,’ and ‘ever’.
-The last line feels like a forced rhyme too, because it switches from them to you in descriptions and has, I think, an extra beat. Also, I think ‘leave’ should be ‘leaving’.

Stanza 5
-Nice ending. It’s said simply, which I think is the greatest strength of your work so far.
-The last line still seems too long, and could benefit from some rephrasing, maybe:
‘In a special place inside our hearts’
Also, because the ‘s’ is doesn’t quite rhyme. Though, I don’t mind. It mirrors how love isn’t perfect – neither is the rhyme.

I think the most important thing for you to do I think about every word you use. They all have to be important, and not there just to set up a rhyme. You could easily cut quite a lot of the words from this poem, without much loss in meaning. But because you want a rhythm you have to choose words that add something new to the line.

I do like the poem, and its meaning. But it could be refined a little.

Let me know if you’ve got any questions about anything I’ve said =D
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:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
ahhh Yes.
thanks for the Critique first of all.
and..i know...about the whole thing being a little confusing..
It was originally only about My first love.
but when i showed it to a friend...they told me it would be better to make it about First love in general.
so Im guessing i messed up the transitions..and all that.
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've just read my 'take their place' comment, and I don't think it makes sense. There's something wrong with the meaning, but I don't think I've figured it out yet. I'm playing with the idea that it's 'no one' that messes things up, and maybe that should be changed to 'nothing'. There's definitely something there with plurality, but I'm not sure what it is! AGH
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:iconsuperwritershelp:

Firstly, although it is catchy, I would change the title to 'Nothing Like First Love' because that leaves more mystery. You could be talking about humans, animals, objects. With the one you have one automatically knows that it's about humans.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

There are two things that I notice straight away. The first is punctuation and the second is rhyme.
Punctuation:
While you do have punctuation within the ST's (there's for example), what you lack is punctuation at the end of your lines. A line break doesn't mean a pause, in fact it's called enjambment and it means that you read the next line as if it's part of the same sentence, all in one breath in other words.
So you would read:
I love the way you cook
the food you love to eat
as if you were reading it:
I love the way you cook the food you love to eat.
Thus this piece needs punctuation. Commas to show breath, periods to show endings. Maybe some semi-colons to spice things up. It would also make it easier to read, as one would be able to see the pauses in the rhythm and the flow would be enhanced.

Rhyme:
You start off with a simple abcb rhyme scheme, and continue with it in ST's 3, 4 and 5. However, ST2 suddenly changes to an aaaa. This is extremely distracting. I would pick one rhyme scheme and stick with it. Personally, I prefer the abcb as it sounds better in this case.

The next thing I noticed was the meter (meter being the amount of syllables per line)
ST 1 is pretty uniform (7,7,7,8), ST 3 as well (8,8,8,10), ST 4 too (7, 7, 8, 8). ST 2 and 5 however the meter goes slightly off. When rhyming it is a good idea to keep the meter within one or two syllables of each other (like you did with the 7,7,7,8 for example). In ST 2 you have 9,7,7,12. Along with the change in rhyme, mentioned above, this alters the rhythm of your piece in a very distracting way. I would recommend shortening the last line. In ST 5 you have 6,9,8,11. In this case I would make the first line slightly longer, as the rest flows quite nicely.

Grammar:
ST 2, L2 - 'think with love, this world, we cure
This sentence is grammatically incorrect as it should be 'think we cure this world with love'. What you have done is rearranged the sentence to fit the rhyme, which is called false rhyme. It's also bad grammar.
ST 2, L4 - 'gave our hearts' should either be 'gave our heart' or 'give our hearts'.
ST4, L1 - you need a space after the comma

Overall:
I really like this piece. It speaks of love, but it isn't cheesy or cliché.

:star::star::star::star::star-empty:
Jo
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:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
First of all..thank u
I never thought I would get a critique..much less such a good score.
I also saw u were the founder...so its an honor

all the points u made are exactly true.

I name my poems..like this...sort of ..."obvious" i would say..
because most people On deviantart dont read the literature pieces..unless they feel they'll be able to relate.
something like "first love" gets people interested..because they'll feel they can relate
at least thats how i see it

The rest..is completely true as well.
second stanza..stands out like a sore thumb..
and the lines aren't really..the same length
In all honesty..i dont know anything about poetry..
as I have never studied..
but..thanks for bringing all this to my attention
i hope i can use this..to maybe..write better pieces in the future.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012   Writer
I'm glad that I was able to help.
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:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank u :)
It means a lot
:iconaawplz:
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:iconenthusiasticartist:
EnthusiasticArtist Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012  Student Writer
I really love this. I haven't really had my first love yet just crushes so this gives me something to look forward too, but the last love will be the best because that is the person who will be with you forever.
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:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahhh... first life...is special... but...painful. it won't last.even though you want it to.
I hope your experience is amazing though. Good luck :)
And yes. I'm waiting for my last love.
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:iconenthusiasticartist:
EnthusiasticArtist Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Student Writer
awe:(

thanks! I think a lot of us are and only the lucky ones find them.
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