Sta.sh
They say love is a battlefield of war.
We want someone special and nothing more
Feels like an endless chore.
Can we spot the difference
between the normal and the special
someone who can take us out our shell
And make our hearts feel like we've fallen to a spell
Love is pain
That drives us all insane
A battlefield where instead of blood
Tears fall like the rain
But it's pain so unlike the usual
when we find the perfect person
an experience that's so beautiful
We all need someone to teach us how to love
someone who can give us mini heart-attacks
until our heart can't take enough
Leave our hair standing on its tips
every single time our heart beat skips
Leave us dazzled with a smile
that makes us lust after their lips
And make us fall with just one kiss,
As cupid shoots us with an arrow that wont miss
we'll be living such a wild dream.
Even pain feels like its bliss
Doesn't get better than this
No reason for our heart to bleed
They'll be all that we will need
Love will portray them
as the most attractive person that we've seen
so forget finding a prince or princess
Search for your King or Queen
Love is a war
That everyone must fight
Searching for that person
Who can make us see the light
When we're surrounded by darkness
And pain is all we have in sight
Someone who can make everything alright
When we just want to cry at night
Don't give up the battle
The war still isn't over, soldiers
It might feel like the world is falling over you
But soon you'll find that person who'll take the burden of your shoulders
Stand tall
And pick your hopes up from the floor
Remember what you're aiming for
And hold it in your core
But Never forget
Love can be the cruelest, and most beautiful war
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First let me say that the emotion you're working to convey is really something. The length that could so easily bore, or be like a lecture instead lends a conversational edge that makes the poem kind of like an intimate talk with a friend.
I will say though that there are a lot of simple proof-reading errors, like in stanza three line two when you miss an apostrophe in "won't" or in stanza one line six when you say "out our shell" which I think is supposed to be "out of our shell" but I'm a bit confused... And shouldn't line three of stanza three be "can't take more" or something like that? I guess "enough" makes some sense, but it isn't really used. These little mistakes (some of which I don't list, so I suggest going over this again with a fine-toothed comb) detract from the poem because they add a silliness.
I also think you work a bit too hard for the rhyme, and this sacrifices some of the emotion and the message of the poem. An example is "Leave our hair standing on its tips" which works for the rhyme scheme but makes no sense for imagery since "hair standing on end" is the phrase plus "tips" leaves a somewhat comical image of hair bending over itself to get its tips on its roots.
Anyway that's not so big a deal that the point of the poem is hurt, you still pull off a real connection with the reader, as I said like it's a conversation. And you still make your point, and carry the metaphor of war and battle right through which I think is great.
That last line is a great closing, it brings the threads of the poem together and brings to mind that weird "Angivel of Zanarcadia" quote that someone used in my SAT studies (strangely enough) "Love can be the most beautiful, as well as the cruelest, of all fates known to man."
And i'm also glad that u found it good..ish..? lol
i realize that there is a lot of mistakes..
Im not very good at grammar..or english to be honest..
so i know there are a lot of mistakes.
but...Im glad u still think the emotion was there..and that it wasnt boring.
also..I had never heard that quote before.
but it is very similar to my closing on this
makes me kinda happy...lol
I'm glad u like it!
Thank you
I love doing collaborations.
Have a few more planned out
So hopefully you'll get to read more soon
Glad you like it
Idk if you commenting..affected my dream last night.. But.. it was interesting to say the least.