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Submitted on
October 23, 2012
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(Daughter)

Daddy....this is so hard for me to say
feeling darkness within long days...
My tiny hands tremble...
thinking how to assemble...
these words without being afraid.
For the longest time I've been this empty shell.
Been dealing with my personal hell...
Tried finding another man's love....
given up on the game.
Now you've found another.....
When you look at her what do you see?
Because looking for too long....
in the end you're losing me

(Father)

Please give me your little hand
I know right now this is hard to understand
Let me wipe the tear from off your cheek
I know right now you feel so weak
Maybe things are going by too fast
hoping mamma will come back
for things to be just like in the past
but she's not coming back
we both need to move on
but don't think your place in my heart
could possibly be gone
no matter what direction the world decides to whirl
You will always be my baby
My little girl

(Daughter)

Daddy...please....forgive me if I decide to leave...
I can't take the heat, can't possibly be...Apart of your new family.
I will always wish for you the epitome of happy.
The best in life, and the most in love...
But I can't stay here approaching my insanity.
I've gotta go, I've gotta fly.
Don't give me that look, with tears in your eyes.
But Daddy, I still love you.. I always will...
Please...sing me, one last time, that good night lullaby...

(Father)

If I sing you that song
Can I hold you in my arms?
Like when you were a baby
protecting you from everything that harms
Look at you now
A beautiful young lady
But your eyes look sad
you've grown so distant lately
Please don't leave me
You're the only family I have
Watching you leave me too
Will only break me in half

(Daughter)

You see the sadness, but not the tears.
Can't recall all the crying I've done throughout these years
But this time I am free.
I know you'll miss me. I'll miss you too.
But Daddy, I can't stand to stay with you.
Nor with everything you've put me through.
I'm becoming my own woman.
I'll find a love of my own.
I'll marry him and have a better marriage
Than what you and mom had sewn.
Please don't hold me back, from what I'm meant to be;
My own person, my own entity, grown and free.
You know I love you, and I don't wanna hurt you.
But you've found happiness without me...

(Father)

Every father fears
The day his child leaves the nest
After this my heart wont keep at rest
But I know I must stand aside
and keep wishing you the best
Even if I don't want to
I want you to be my little girl forever
and always stay together
But I know I haven't been the best father
After this we'll only keep growing apart farther
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
You don't deserve this life I've put you through
And All the selfish things I do
But know that through it all
I will always love you
You will always be my only baby
Now go out there and show the world
That I raised a brave young Lady
Newest collaboration with the beautiful, talented (love of my life...shhhh dont tell her) :iconcusmn:
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:icontheglassiris:
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner May 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello, I will be critiquing your piece on behalf of :icongrammarnazicritiques:. I will do my best to help by suggesting improvements that can be made and general feedback on aesthetic appeal.

First Impressions

(Daughter)

Daddy....this is so hard for me to say (cut out the ellipses)
feeling darkness within long days...
My tiny hands tremble...
thinking how to assemble...
these words without being afraid.
For the longest time I've been this empty shell.
Been dealing with my personal hell...(rhyme only when it is necessary to convey a connection between two ideas that don't already connect by association)
Tried finding another man's love....
given up on the game.
Now you've found another.....
When you look at her what do you see?
Because looking for too long....
in the end you're losing me

(Father)

Please give me your little hand
I know right now this is hard to understand
Let me wipe the tear from off your cheek
I know right now you feel so weak
Maybe things are going by too fast
hoping mamma will come back
for things to be just like in the past
but she's not coming back
we both need to move on
but don't think your place in my heart
could possibly be gone
no matter what direction the world decides to whirl
You will always be my baby
My little girl (it's all too basic, the wording, the imagery, the language There's nothing new about this at all.)

(Daughter)

Daddy...please....forgive me if I decide to leave...
I can't take the heat, can't possibly be...Apart of your new family. (a part, apart is the exact opposite meaning.)
I will always wish for you the epitome of happy. (The word epitome stands out like a nail on a wall.)
The best in life, and the most in love...
But I can't stay here approaching my insanity.
I've gotta go, I've gotta fly.
Don't give me that look, with tears in your eyes.
But Daddy, I still love you.. I always will...
Please...sing me, one last time, that good night lullaby...

(Father)

If I sing you that song
Can I hold you in my arms?
Like when you were a baby
protecting you from everything that harms (Punctuate.)
Look at you now
A beautiful young lady
But your eyes look sad
you've grown so distant lately
Please don't leave me
You're the only family I have
Watching you leave me too
Will only break me in half

(Daughter)

You see the sadness, but not the tears.
Can't recall all the crying I've done throughout these years
But this time I am free.
I know you'll miss me. I'll miss you too.
But Daddy, I can't stand to stay with you.
Nor with everything you've put me through.
I'm becoming my own woman.
I'll find a love of my own.
I'll marry him and have a better marriage
Than what you and mom had sewn.
Please don't hold me back, from what I'm meant to be;
My own person, my own entity, grown and free.
You know I love you, and I don't wanna hurt you.
But you've found happiness without me...

(Father)

Every father fears
The day his child leaves the nest
After this my heart wont keep at rest
But I know I must stand aside
and keep wishing you the best
Even if I don't want to
I want you to be my little girl forever
and always stay together
But I know I haven't been the best father
After this we'll only keep growing apart farther
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
You don't deserve this life I've put you through
And All the selfish things I do
But know that through it all
I will always love you
You will always be my only baby
Now go out there and show the world
That I raised a brave young Lady

Final Impressions

Most of the piece was very similar through and through. I didn't connect emotionally, probably due to the lack of imagery or convincing emotional responses. Nothing here persuaded me into believing that these were real people, a real daughter and a real father. It sounded too sentimental, idealized even, and as characters the two speakers are very melodramatic and made of cardboard. I ended up skimming much of it because it seemed very pointless and meandering. I definitely thought this could benefit from a fresh take on the language. Use more images that don't immediately come to mind. Pay attention to how the language sounds and try to keep it as squared down and compact as possible. Fewer words used usually means fewer words wasted.

Remember that in poetry you want the poem to sound good to the ear. What needs to be accomplished in order to achieve that effect is a varied sentence structure, fluid delivery, and interesting images. The first two are sound issues. As of right now this piece suffers from a stilted and melodramatic monologue delivered by two speakers who don't seem so much to be talking to the other as acting out on a stage. Cut out everything that vaguely resembles a cliche. I mean everything. Anything that's too general, specify. Anything that feels like a blunt blow to the attention span cut and replace with something that jabs the reader awake. Sound is the focus in this part of the revision but image should be pulled along for the ride. When it comes to revising image, it's important to focus the language on the imaginary scene that occurs in your mind. The image should be as specific as needed to form the rest of the image without other useless details. This is a lot to work on but it's essentially what's required in any long poem.

Hope this helps.
Reply
:iconcanuspellmyname:
CanUSpellMyName Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This.....was a damn good poem...I gotta say lol just got on here after what feels like forever and wow, I'm proud of us :D
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
huh....?
I wasnt...expecting to hear from u..again..to be honest.
and..yeah...it is a good poem..
Reply
:iconcanuspellmyname:
CanUSpellMyName Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Okay....the heck...Do you get notifications for DA or are you just constantly on here?
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Im not always on here no
but..I was talking to a friend on here.
Reply
:iconcanuspellmyname:
CanUSpellMyName Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh I see.

Just wondering.
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
why did u message me?
If i may know.
Reply
:iconcanuspellmyname:
CanUSpellMyName Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No specific reason, saw ur icon changed.
Then went and read our poem again and was just like damn....

Yup.

But hey, I can go if u want :) no biggie.
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i see.
of course...
u always do this on a whim after all..
never stop to think..on what commenting could do ..
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconsplitninja:
SplitNinja Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Sweetness that should be.
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