Deviant Login Shop
 Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconiinegativeii: More from IINegativeII


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 16, 2012
File Size
981 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,115
Favourites
52 (who?)
Comments
75
Downloads
4
×
I wonder what would happen
If I was never to wake up
Would people even care
I wonder if a commotion would erupt

Would anyone even notice
That I wasn't alive
Would my mother even mourn me
Or could she guess that I wouldn't survive

Well I'm still not dead
But I can barely call this living
I feel like a corpse
That hasn't given up on breathing

But I wonder what would happen
If I was actually to die
Would anyone be bothered
Or care enough to cry

Maybe everyone's just used to
Me living like a corpse
So no one would be bothered
Or life change the slightest off of course

But if I would never wake up
There's no way to know what happens the next day
Won't know if people really care about me
But..maybe it's better off that way
New poem
Add a Comment:
 
:icontheglassiris:
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner May 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello, I will be critiquing your piece on behalf of :icongrammarnazicritiques:. I will do my best to help by suggesting improvements that can be made and general feedback on aesthetic appeal.

First Impressions
I wonder what would happen (generic beginning)
If I was never to wake up (Very basic language)
Would people even care (Punctuate.)
I wonder if a commotion would erupt (This sounds like something an attention whore would say.)

Would anyone even notice
That I wasn't alive
Would my mother even mourn me
Or could she guess that I wouldn't survive (Why would anyone think this unless you were living in a post-apocalyptic period?)

Well I'm still not dead
But I can barely call this living
I feel like a corpse
That hasn't given up on breathing (This is a nice image.)

But I wonder what would happen
If I was actually to die
Would anyone be bothered
Or care enough to cry

Maybe everyone's just used to
Me living like a corpse (Too self-centered in this line. The ego shows.)
So no one would be bothered
Or life change the slightest off of course

But if I would never wake up
There's no way to know what happens the next day
Won't know if people really care about me
But..maybe it's better off that way (I feel as a reader, instead of being taken on a journey, I've been led in a circle. Around someone's house.)

Final Impressions
I don't know, get a clearer picture of what this is really about? You're skimming along the surface of what you really want to talk about and it shows. Too much of the piece is spent trying to guess at others' reactions towards the speaker's hypothetical death. There is too much time spent guessing and no time spent observing. The piece doesn't think, it only reacts to a perceived lack of care in other people. It doesn't draw similarities, it doesn't compare or evaluate, it just projects a supposedly true impression than rips away any shred of validity that such impression would have in the end. As a reader, I can't help but feel like my time is wasted on this piece deciding what it wants.

To improve this piece, follow the similar pattern of behavior for revision. Cut what's unnecessary, expand the piece so that it fills every gap, and infuse the writing with interesting ideas and thoughts. But also, try to narrow down exactly what the writing is getting at. Don't be afraid to skim along the surface but be prepared to dive in. If the speaker doesn't think others will care about his death, don't be afraid to ask why. The answers may not be as scary as they are when left in the dark.

Hope this helps.
Reply
:iconboffan13:
BOFfan13 Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2013
I understand the feeling, I contemplate these things a lot - which also ties into what I learned recently of existentialism. I really like your writing~ :3 Keep it up~
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Im really happy that u like my writing
it makes me really happy
specially since i got like a favorite on practically all my posts. lol
thank u
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:iconsuperwritershelp:

Firstly, I have a slight issue with the capitalisation of your title. It should technically be If Tomorrow I Don't Wake Up (all capitals). But that is a minor issue.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

You have brought about a thought that many people have had at different times of their lives in a unique way: What if I don't wake up? However, to make more impact with your piece, I would urge you to try and edit it along the lines of things we have already discussed, such as forced rhyme, meter, punctuation etc.

If you can get the balance right - the grammatical rhymes, the punctuation and the correct meter - you could write exceptional rhyming poems instead of just really good ones.

ST 5
instead of 'off of' you just need to say 'off'

I'm not sure I like the melancholy note with which you end the piece. It comes across as very depressed (which you may or may not have intended) and is almost an anti-climax as throughout the piece one is wondering 'is the speaker going to realise how much they care for him' and then the end is like a balloon with a small hole - no pop just slow dragging out of air.

Other than that, I urge you to take what we have previously discussed about rhyme, punctuation and meter and put it into practice.

:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty:
Jo
Reply
:iconarashinokisu:
arashinokisu Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012
Amazing poem, so easy to connect to and understand. Beautifully written :)
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank u very much
and hello there
its been a while ;P
I'm glad u have taken an interest in my poetry once again. lol
Reply
:iconblue-eyed-girl-23:
Blue-eyed-girl-23 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wonderful poem i've often wondered that
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah
i think we all wonder about this.
sadly :/
:iconaawplz:
Reply
:iconblue-eyed-girl-23:
Blue-eyed-girl-23 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
indeed
:huggle:
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconaawplz:
Reply
Add a Comment: