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I wonder what would happen
If I was never to wake up
Would people even care
I wonder if a commotion would erupt

Would anyone even notice
That I wasn't alive
Would my mother even mourn me
Or could she guess that I wouldn't survive

Well I'm still not dead
But I can barely call this living
I feel like a corpse
That hasn't given up on breathing

But I wonder what would happen
If I was actually to die
Would anyone be bothered
Or care enough to cry

Maybe everyone's just used to
Me living like a corpse
So no one would be bothered
Or life change the slightest off of course

But if I would never wake up
There's no way to know what happens the next day
Won't know if people really care about me
But..maybe it's better off that way
New poem
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:icontheglassiris:
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner May 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello, I will be critiquing your piece on behalf of :icongrammarnazicritiques:. I will do my best to help by suggesting improvements that can be made and general feedback on aesthetic appeal.

First Impressions
I wonder what would happen (generic beginning)
If I was never to wake up (Very basic language)
Would people even care (Punctuate.)
I wonder if a commotion would erupt (This sounds like something an attention whore would say.)

Would anyone even notice
That I wasn't alive
Would my mother even mourn me
Or could she guess that I wouldn't survive (Why would anyone think this unless you were living in a post-apocalyptic period?)

Well I'm still not dead
But I can barely call this living
I feel like a corpse
That hasn't given up on breathing (This is a nice image.)

But I wonder what would happen
If I was actually to die
Would anyone be bothered
Or care enough to cry

Maybe everyone's just used to
Me living like a corpse (Too self-centered in this line. The ego shows.)
So no one would be bothered
Or life change the slightest off of course

But if I would never wake up
There's no way to know what happens the next day
Won't know if people really care about me
But..maybe it's better off that way (I feel as a reader, instead of being taken on a journey, I've been led in a circle. Around someone's house.)

Final Impressions
I don't know, get a clearer picture of what this is really about? You're skimming along the surface of what you really want to talk about and it shows. Too much of the piece is spent trying to guess at others' reactions towards the speaker's hypothetical death. There is too much time spent guessing and no time spent observing. The piece doesn't think, it only reacts to a perceived lack of care in other people. It doesn't draw similarities, it doesn't compare or evaluate, it just projects a supposedly true impression than rips away any shred of validity that such impression would have in the end. As a reader, I can't help but feel like my time is wasted on this piece deciding what it wants.

To improve this piece, follow the similar pattern of behavior for revision. Cut what's unnecessary, expand the piece so that it fills every gap, and infuse the writing with interesting ideas and thoughts. But also, try to narrow down exactly what the writing is getting at. Don't be afraid to skim along the surface but be prepared to dive in. If the speaker doesn't think others will care about his death, don't be afraid to ask why. The answers may not be as scary as they are when left in the dark.

Hope this helps.
Reply
:iconboffan13:
BOFfan13 Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2013
I understand the feeling, I contemplate these things a lot - which also ties into what I learned recently of existentialism. I really like your writing~ :3 Keep it up~
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Im really happy that u like my writing
it makes me really happy
specially since i got like a favorite on practically all my posts. lol
thank u
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2013   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:iconsuperwritershelp:

Firstly, I have a slight issue with the capitalisation of your title. It should technically be If Tomorrow I Don't Wake Up (all capitals). But that is a minor issue.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

You have brought about a thought that many people have had at different times of their lives in a unique way: What if I don't wake up? However, to make more impact with your piece, I would urge you to try and edit it along the lines of things we have already discussed, such as forced rhyme, meter, punctuation etc.

If you can get the balance right - the grammatical rhymes, the punctuation and the correct meter - you could write exceptional rhyming poems instead of just really good ones.

ST 5
instead of 'off of' you just need to say 'off'

I'm not sure I like the melancholy note with which you end the piece. It comes across as very depressed (which you may or may not have intended) and is almost an anti-climax as throughout the piece one is wondering 'is the speaker going to realise how much they care for him' and then the end is like a balloon with a small hole - no pop just slow dragging out of air.

Other than that, I urge you to take what we have previously discussed about rhyme, punctuation and meter and put it into practice.

:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty:
Jo
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:iconarashinokisu:
arashinokisu Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2012
Amazing poem, so easy to connect to and understand. Beautifully written :)
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank u very much
and hello there
its been a while ;P
I'm glad u have taken an interest in my poetry once again. lol
Reply
:iconblue-eyed-girl-23:
Blue-eyed-girl-23 Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wonderful poem i've often wondered that
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
yeah
i think we all wonder about this.
sadly :/
:iconaawplz:
Reply
:iconblue-eyed-girl-23:
Blue-eyed-girl-23 Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
indeed
:huggle:
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconaawplz:
Reply
:iconalibi13:
ALIBI13 Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student Artist
You impressed me...really nice
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank u very much :)
makes me happy to hear that :3
Reply
:iconalibi13:
ALIBI13 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
You're welcome and I really love your poem..It is so deep...You are great artist,keep going to be that...
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:blush:
thank u very much! :3
Reply
:iconbluewyrm:
Bluewyrm Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
If you die
without note
than how could anyone say you lived?

Better to abandon abandonment
and face the future
than turn to stone to the sound of your own frozen heart

(They would care.
they always do.
Somewhere someone requires your existence.)
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Did u really have to comment in such a poetic way? ;P

Meh
idk if anyone will ever need my existence.
but thanks
Reply
:iconbluewyrm:
Bluewyrm Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
But of course. What's a better way to answer a poem than with another poem? :XD:

You're welcome. I hope you find someone who does.
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
haha
thats...very interesting..i guess..lol
makes for a very poetic conversation. lol

and..yeah
me too
Reply
:iconangeloflight03:
AngelofLight03 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
I like this. It seems sad, and you can really see the pain that this person has felt. Great job.
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well..Thank u very much
And yes..Im always in pain..so i guess its easy to see.lol
thanks for liking it.
Reply
:iconangeloflight03:
AngelofLight03 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconcandygirl101010:
candygirl101010 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
[link]

its an answer 2 ur poem in a way lol
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well Im not too sure of an answer..lol
but its a really good poem.
Reply
:iconcandygirl101010:
candygirl101010 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student Writer
haha ok and thx
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very Welcome :)
Reply
:iconcandygirl101010:
candygirl101010 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Student Writer
its so sad i love it
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank u very much :)
Reply
:iconcandygirl101010:
candygirl101010 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student Writer
np
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconaawplz:
Reply
:iconmonochromera:
monochromera Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
tragic, yet beautiful.... I love it, yet I fear it at the same time...
so many emotional contradictions...
:love: it's amazing though. really.
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well hello there
I hadnt seen u in my poems..in a very long time.

thanks for liking it :)
Reply
:iconmonochromera:
monochromera Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
sure thing ^.^
my apologies if I don't comment as much, my messages have been piling up badly, so I've been doing a lot more quick read-throughs than usual
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
haha
its ok
Its not like u have to comment on my poems..lol
Reply
:iconmonochromera:
monochromera Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
I know, but it would still be more polite to do so.
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
hah
i guess so
but dont force urself
Im thankful regardless :)
Reply
:iconmonochromera:
monochromera Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012
alright
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student Writer
What a morbid thing to wonder, but I've asked myself much the same before. It's wonderfully written =)
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank u very much.
Yeah..
I mean i guess we all think of this..
and thanks...I tried..
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome

And you didn't try. You succeeded =)
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
this is now my most favorited poem in this account.
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
Is that a good thing or a bad thing that a rather morbid poem is your favorite?
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's not MY favorite
It's the one that people have favorited the most
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
Ah...
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:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah...
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(1 Reply)
:iconcuddleslut17:
CuddleSlut17 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The flow as always is great. Very deep. It makes you think. What people really think of somebody. To many people in this world wear a mask. Your a cool dude, I'm glad we met well on DA :)
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks
I actually came up with this poem..right before bed...when i realized..I had mixed some pills..in with alcohol. (pills that shouldnt have been mixed with alcohol.....and..I drank..alcohol for 3 days in a row...)
so i was really thinking I could die..lol
So the rhymes are quite simple....as i was wasted and sleepy..lol
but..i might have died..so Im glad people still find it deep..as these could have been my last thoughts..
And thanks.
U are an awesome person too.
Reply
:iconcuddleslut17:
CuddleSlut17 Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah I saw your journal. I'm glad your ok. I'm actually surprised. If I drank alcohol I wouldn't even be able to spell let alone write. My poem would be like this $%&%&ghjgjjg lol. Your welcome
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha
Well..I can handle my alcohol really well.
And when I drink it makes me think more than usual.
So...yeah ;P
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