Everyone is talking About how you want to make it big That you want to be a Rockstar That you've already booked a gig
You've always been so beautiful But never content with who you are Think you deserve to have the spotlight And to be married to a Star
They say that you want someone who'll sing for you in front of the whole world Who'll dedicate you all his lyrics Who will scream you were his girl
What if I wrote you a song? will it change the way you look at me? I wonder if it'd take me like long Can I use this love to form the perfect melody? Use the rhythm that you give my heart A fast tempo like the way you make it beat Turn these feeling into lyrics That can make this song complete
I might never be a Rockstar People will never know my name But I promise you that no one Can love you quite the same
I've never been good at singing But I will scream this to the world You will always hold the spotlight If you decide to be my girl
Everyone is talking That you want to be a star You feel you need to prove something But you're so perfect as you are
"I wonder if it'd take me like long" I don't understand this... is this valley girl dialect? It's kind of hard to understand what it means and its place here (seems out of context).
"Turn these feeling into lyrics" Feelings.
"Everyone is talking That you want to be a star" Saying, not talking, in this case- or "talking about"
A few major points: Your meter is all over the place. And by that I mean, your lines don't really flow the way they should- some are much too long to read and break the melody of the poem. Try to count the spoken syllables in each line, and follow a strict pattern.
Everyone is talking -6 About how you want to make it big -9 That you want to be a Rockstar -8 That you've already booked a gig -8
You've always been so beautiful -8 But never content with who you are -9 Think you deserve to have the spotlight -9 And to be married to a Star -8
They say that you want someone -7 who'll sing for you in front of the whole world -10 Who'll dedicate you all his lyrics -9 Who will scream you were his girl -7
6, 9, 8, 8 8, 9, 9, 8 7,10, 9, 7
It seems totally random to me.
Everyone is talking -6 'bout how you want to make it big -8 'bout how you want to be a rockstar -9 (again, "talking that" isn't correct) and that you've really booked a show -8
They say you want someone -6 who'll sing your love before the world -8 Who'll dedicate you all his lyrics -9 and scream out loud that you're his girl -8
Try reading those, one after the other.
Yes, some poems can break the pattern, but you have to do it intentionally and for a good reason- and really know what you're doing. You know what they say "know the rules before you break them"
Also, if you're going to rhyme, you kind of need to keep up that same convention all of the way through. Some lines randomly not rhymed when they should according to the rest of the poem, again, really break the pattern.
Either go all in, or don't rhyme at all.
Yes, that rule can be broken, but only in special circumstances and by experts
I think you've got some good raw ideas in this. However the arrangement of words could use a bunch of editing.
One thing that really bothered me while reading this was that some lines are way longer than others. I think you could definitely find a way to reword some things so that there is a more even rhythm, which would greatly improve the flow of reading. For example, in the first stanza, you could do something like this: "Everyone is saying That you want to make it big That you want to be a Rockstar You've already booked a gig"
I like the concept for sure. The fourth stanza has some nice metaphors in it, although again the irregular length of the line detracts from it.
I'm not sure what this line means. I'm sure it's just a typo: "I wonder if it'd take me like long". Just thought I'd point that out so you can fix it up.
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Bluefley has a gallery filled with artwork that whisks you off in to a Sci-fi daydream, and keeps you captivated for hours. Marc has been a member of our community for over a decade and has achieved nothing but success with his astounding commitment to interacting with the community, sharing a prolific amount of video tutorials and generally being an all round rockstar deviant. It is no joke that we are absolutely delighted to award the Deviousness Award for April 2014 to ... Read More