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Everyone is talking
About how you want to make it big
That you want to be a Rockstar
That you've already booked a gig

You've always been so beautiful
But never content with who you are
Think you deserve to have the spotlight
And to be married to a Star

They say that you want someone
who'll sing for you in front of the whole world
Who'll dedicate you all his lyrics
Who will scream you were his girl

What if I wrote you a song?
will it change the way you look at me?
I wonder if it'd take me like long
Can I use this love to form the perfect melody?
Use the rhythm that you give my heart
A fast tempo like the way you make it beat
Turn these feeling into lyrics
That can make this song complete

I might never be a Rockstar
People will never know my name
But I promise you that no one
Can love you quite the same

I've never been good at singing
But I will scream this to the world
You will always hold the spotlight
If you decide to be my girl

Everyone is talking
That you want to be a star
You feel you need to prove something
But you're so perfect as you are
newest poem.
Different from my usual emo stuff.
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:iconposhsingularity:
PoshSingularity Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Professional Artist
Critique suggested to me by this group: [link]

"I wonder if it'd take me like long" I don't understand this... is this valley girl dialect? It's kind of hard to understand what it means and its place here (seems out of context).

"Turn these feeling into lyrics"
Feelings.

"Everyone is talking
That you want to be a star"
Saying, not talking, in this case- or "talking about"


A few major points: Your meter is all over the place. And by that I mean, your lines don't really flow the way they should- some are much too long to read and break the melody of the poem.
Try to count the spoken syllables in each line, and follow a strict pattern.

Watch:

Everyone is talking -6
About how you want to make it big -9
That you want to be a Rockstar -8
That you've already booked a gig -8

You've always been so beautiful -8
But never content with who you are -9
Think you deserve to have the spotlight -9
And to be married to a Star -8

They say that you want someone -7
who'll sing for you in front of the whole world -10
Who'll dedicate you all his lyrics -9
Who will scream you were his girl -7

6, 9, 8, 8
8, 9, 9, 8
7,10, 9, 7

It seems totally random to me.


Everyone is talking -6
'bout how you want to make it big -8
'bout how you want to be a rockstar -9 (again, "talking that" isn't correct)
and that you've really booked a show -8

6898

They say you want someone -6
who'll sing your love before the world -8
Who'll dedicate you all his lyrics -9
and scream out loud that you're his girl -8

Try reading those, one after the other.

Yes, some poems can break the pattern, but you have to do it intentionally and for a good reason- and really know what you're doing. You know what they say "know the rules before you break them" :)

Also, if you're going to rhyme, you kind of need to keep up that same convention all of the way through. Some lines randomly not rhymed when they should according to the rest of the poem, again, really break the pattern.

Either go all in, or don't rhyme at all.

Yes, that rule can be broken, but only in special circumstances and by experts ;)
Reply
:iconpaperbackrevelations:
PaperbackRevelations Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconsuperwritershelp:

I think you've got some good raw ideas in this. However the arrangement of words could use a bunch of editing.

One thing that really bothered me while reading this was that some lines are way longer than others. I think you could definitely find a way to reword some things so that there is a more even rhythm, which would greatly improve the flow of reading.
For example, in the first stanza, you could do something like this:
"Everyone is saying
That you want to make it big
That you want to be a Rockstar
You've already booked a gig"

I like the concept for sure. The fourth stanza has some nice metaphors in it, although again the irregular length of the line detracts from it.

I'm not sure what this line means. I'm sure it's just a typo: "I wonder if it'd take me like long". Just thought I'd point that out so you can fix it up.

The last two stanzas are great!
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks :)

I know...i actually know nothing about writing xD
but..i like to do so.
and. well i would probably need a lot of practice to be good at it. lol
idk how to rearrange my ideas..to sound good.
Reply
:iconaltruistic-trickster:
altruistic-trickster Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012
This is really neat, I like it a lot!
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
I really, really like it! :love:
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :)
I'm glad
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
Welcome!
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
means a lot
Reply
:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
My pleasure!
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:)
Reply
:iconguineagirl106:
GuineaGirl106 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
wow i love this its beautifully written and has a good messageto ti ^^
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well thank u very much love :)
Reply
:iconguineagirl106:
GuineaGirl106 Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
np! thank you for writing it =P
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha
Well
Im glad i wrote it xD
Reply
:iconsoldierswolf:
SoldiersWolf Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Good stuff.
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks.
Reply
:iconenthusiasticartist:
EnthusiasticArtist Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Student Writer
I love this poem! It's very sweet and I can total imagine the love he has for her. If she's smart she will love him the same way back, if she's not he deserves better. Great work I hope to read more like this:)
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha
well I'm glad u like it.
but dont get used to these kinds of poems
its totally...a once in awhile type of thing
it sort of just happened..
u know me.
I only write depressing things...lol
Reply
:iconenthusiasticartist:
EnthusiasticArtist Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012  Student Writer
Your work isn't depressing. It deserves a much better word than that. It's nice to try something different once and a while. I used to write kinda dark stuff, but I'm more into love poems.
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
HAha....well thats what a lot of people call it xD
Im not sure if u saw my newest poem "missing you"?
It is now my all time most favorited poem.
with almost 80 favorites.
Reply
:iconenthusiasticartist:
EnthusiasticArtist Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Writer
i wouldn't call it depressing!
yep, I did.
wow good for you!
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
What would you call it then? Lol
Yeah..thanks :3
Reply
:iconenthusiasticartist:
EnthusiasticArtist Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Writer
two words: soul searching

your welcome
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Soul..searching?
Explain please..
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconlightnin2011:
Lightnin2011 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
beautiful~!
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank u very much
Reply
:iconlightnin2011:
Lightnin2011 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
your very welcome! :D
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconaawplz:
Reply
:iconlightnin2011:
Lightnin2011 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconrubcheeksplz:
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
aww thats cute
Reply
:iconlightnin2011:
Lightnin2011 Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
i thought so too! :D
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:3
thanks..
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconnigmasin:
NigmaSin Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Sweet^^
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks :)
Reply
:iconsilkehmm:
Silkehmm Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
aww!! This is very nice :)
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank u very much :3
Reply
:iconsilkehmm:
Silkehmm Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
:hug:
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconaawplz:
Reply
:iconkthejaybee3:
Kthejaybee3 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hey, I really like this! It's really sweet. I love writing songs, and I too want to write a song for someone... Not like they would listen though. Nice work :3
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha
Thanks..
Im glad u like it.
and yeah....its hard i guess
though i cant sing..so it wouldnt be a good idea for me. lol
but thanks for the comment :)
Reply
:iconkthejaybee3:
Kthejaybee3 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Lol, I can't sing either! I write songs for no one but myself :/
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha
aww
You should write one for me then ;P
Reply
:iconkthejaybee3:
Kthejaybee3 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Really? Want do want it to be about, cause I will definitely take up your offer :D
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha
no idea surprise me.
Reply
:iconkthejaybee3:
Kthejaybee3 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ok! Yay! I've never written a song for anyone! I am nervous.... I shall send you a note when I finish :)
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha
no one has ever written me a song either
;P
a first for both of us
and ok
i'll be waiting ;)
Reply
:iconfacepaintinrhyme:
FacePaintInRhyme Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
wow i really like this one a lot
Reply
:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks
Im glad :3
makes me happy to hear that!
Reply
:iconcuddleslut17:
CuddleSlut17 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is absolutely beautiful.The 5th and last stanza touched my heart. I'm gonna look at this now, every time I'm down. It may be different but my favorite. :)
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