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Submitted on
November 26, 2012
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Everyone is talking
About how you want to make it big
That you want to be a Rockstar
That you've already booked a gig

You've always been so beautiful
But never content with who you are
Think you deserve to have the spotlight
And to be married to a Star

They say that you want someone
who'll sing for you in front of the whole world
Who'll dedicate you all his lyrics
Who will scream you were his girl

What if I wrote you a song?
will it change the way you look at me?
I wonder if it'd take me like long
Can I use this love to form the perfect melody?
Use the rhythm that you give my heart
A fast tempo like the way you make it beat
Turn these feeling into lyrics
That can make this song complete

I might never be a Rockstar
People will never know my name
But I promise you that no one
Can love you quite the same

I've never been good at singing
But I will scream this to the world
You will always hold the spotlight
If you decide to be my girl

Everyone is talking
That you want to be a star
You feel you need to prove something
But you're so perfect as you are
newest poem.
Different from my usual emo stuff.
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:iconposhsingularity:
PoshSingularity Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2013  Professional Artist
Critique suggested to me by this group: [link]

"I wonder if it'd take me like long" I don't understand this... is this valley girl dialect? It's kind of hard to understand what it means and its place here (seems out of context).

"Turn these feeling into lyrics"
Feelings.

"Everyone is talking
That you want to be a star"
Saying, not talking, in this case- or "talking about"


A few major points: Your meter is all over the place. And by that I mean, your lines don't really flow the way they should- some are much too long to read and break the melody of the poem.
Try to count the spoken syllables in each line, and follow a strict pattern.

Watch:

Everyone is talking -6
About how you want to make it big -9
That you want to be a Rockstar -8
That you've already booked a gig -8

You've always been so beautiful -8
But never content with who you are -9
Think you deserve to have the spotlight -9
And to be married to a Star -8

They say that you want someone -7
who'll sing for you in front of the whole world -10
Who'll dedicate you all his lyrics -9
Who will scream you were his girl -7

6, 9, 8, 8
8, 9, 9, 8
7,10, 9, 7

It seems totally random to me.


Everyone is talking -6
'bout how you want to make it big -8
'bout how you want to be a rockstar -9 (again, "talking that" isn't correct)
and that you've really booked a show -8

6898

They say you want someone -6
who'll sing your love before the world -8
Who'll dedicate you all his lyrics -9
and scream out loud that you're his girl -8

Try reading those, one after the other.

Yes, some poems can break the pattern, but you have to do it intentionally and for a good reason- and really know what you're doing. You know what they say "know the rules before you break them" :)

Also, if you're going to rhyme, you kind of need to keep up that same convention all of the way through. Some lines randomly not rhymed when they should according to the rest of the poem, again, really break the pattern.

Either go all in, or don't rhyme at all.

Yes, that rule can be broken, but only in special circumstances and by experts ;)
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:iconminninnewah:
minninnewah Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconsuperwritershelp:

I think you've got some good raw ideas in this. However the arrangement of words could use a bunch of editing.

One thing that really bothered me while reading this was that some lines are way longer than others. I think you could definitely find a way to reword some things so that there is a more even rhythm, which would greatly improve the flow of reading.
For example, in the first stanza, you could do something like this:
"Everyone is saying
That you want to make it big
That you want to be a Rockstar
You've already booked a gig"

I like the concept for sure. The fourth stanza has some nice metaphors in it, although again the irregular length of the line detracts from it.

I'm not sure what this line means. I'm sure it's just a typo: "I wonder if it'd take me like long". Just thought I'd point that out so you can fix it up.

The last two stanzas are great!
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:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks :)

I know...i actually know nothing about writing xD
but..i like to do so.
and. well i would probably need a lot of practice to be good at it. lol
idk how to rearrange my ideas..to sound good.
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:iconaltruistic-trickster:
altruistic-trickster Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012
This is really neat, I like it a lot!
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:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you very much
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
I really, really like it! :love:
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:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
thank you :)
I'm glad
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
Welcome!
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:iconiinegativeii:
IINegativeII Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
means a lot
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:iconcontradictory55:
Contradictory55 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Student Writer
My pleasure!
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